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“Be strong in the Lord and in His mighty power. Put on all of God’s armor so that you will be able to stand firm against all strategies of the devil.”~~ Ephesians 6:10-11
There are so many lessons in leadership I have learned along the way, and it’s always easy to share the positive, visionary ones. It’s a little tougher to go back and acknowledge the mistakes, but if we want to grow and develop as women who are strong, capable leaders, we must go back and take another look at some of the more painful, hard lessons we had to learn along the way.
The learning curve for women in leadership, in the church, is a steep one in most cases. There are various reasons for this, and that is a topic for another day! Suffice it to say, there are huge challenges for women who lead in the local church, and thankfully, God has given us some great biblical models of women who were strong, pivotal leaders in their time. If we take time to study these women — Deborah, Esther, Mary-Jesus’ mother, and Mary of Bethany, Lydia, Priscilla – and others, we will do well to take a few leadership lessons from the pages of scripture as we read about their lives and how the Lord used them for His purposes.
Today, I want to talk about the 2 most costly mistakes I made in leadership:
1. Not being adequately prepared for the battle, therefore making myself vulnerable to attacks.
2. Allowing myself to be influenced and directed by the wrong people, instead of by God alone.
Today, I’m only going to address the first point:
As leaders we must be ready to EXPECT ATTACKS! Beth Moore says in “Praying God’s Word”, that the “enemy is filled with fury because he knows his time is short. Scripture intimates that much of Satan’s fury will be directed specifically toward Christians as the clock ticks closer toward Christ’s return.” And those who step out to lead are especially in the crossheirs of Satan’s weapons.
Had I fully grasped or anticipated the depth of Satan’s hatred and schemes, I would have spent the majority of my energy and time building up my spiritual and mental strength. Nehemiah gives us so many great examples and word pictures as he set about to rebuild the walls of Jerusalem. First of all, before he ever began the project, he sought the Lord — “For days, I mourned, fasted, and prayed to the God of heaven. Oh Lord, listen to the prayers of those of us who delight in honoring you”. (Neh. 1:3-5). And as he began the project, and enlisted the help of the people, he encountered opposition. “But when Sanballat and Tobiah … heard that the work was going ahead and the gaps in the wall were being repaired, they were furious. They all made plans to come and fight against Jerusalem and throw us into confusion. BUT — we prayed to our God and guarded the city day and night to protect ourselves.” (Neh. 4:7-9)
In Ephesians 6:10-18, we see Paul’s list of spiritual armor. Only one of these is an offensive weapon, and it’s the Sword of the Spirit, clearly meaning the Word of God. Beth Moore says, “I am utterly convinced that the two major weapons with divine power in our warfare are the Word of God and Spirit-empowered prayer.” This passage in Ephesians implores us to “Be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on all of God’s armor so that you will be able to stand firm against all strategies of the devil.” He begins to list the defensive weapons, and comes to this one: “In addition to all of these, hold up the shield of faith to stop the fiery arrows of the devil.”
I have read commentaries on this, and the word picture here is one of a wooden shield. If a fiery arrow hits a wooden shield, it would immediately be set afire and useless. But prior to battle, the soldiers soaked the wooden shields in water. They prepared their weapons to extinguish the flames of the arrow as it hit the water-soaked shield. I like to think of this as spending so much time in prayer, that our lives are completely soaked in the Spirit, and we can withstand the fiery arrows. Confession: When I was in a leadership position several years ago, I failed to spend the majority of my time and energy as a leader on my knees before the Lord, and fiery arrows came flying. I was vulnerable to the attacks because alas, I hadn’t soaked my shield–oops! The devil gained a victory. But the beautiful thing about this war is that it’s already won and we have a Redeemer who can make all things work together for His glory, to those who He has called.
If we are to be effective in our leadership as women, we must completely grasp and understand the fact that we are entering a war. And wars are made up of battles. And the only strategy for winning these battles is being adequately prepared in our defensive weapons and ready to strike the enemy defeating blows with our offensive weapons. Had I not failed to see this clearly, and to prepare both myself, and my team, I could have avoided this costly mistake. Thankfully, the Lord does not forsake His own, and He is faithful to complete the work He has called us to do, and His hand never leaves our side! Next week, we’ll look at how to make sure we are surrounding ourselves with a “yes” team — people who say “yes” to God and not to their own agenda.
As Women of the Resurrection, we must be true to our part in the story: “… And now, go quickly and tell his disciples that he has risen from the dead … remember what I have told you. Don’t be afraid! Go tell my brothers … ” the account of Matthew.
I have spent the last few weeks reading along with the IF: Equip Easter study passages. Along the way I have been particularly impressed to note the women in the story. The women who followed Jesus at a time when it was certainly unconventional, if not heretical, for to be included in the company or under the teaching of a religious leader, a man designated as “Rabbi”. But oh how this Rabbi turned everything around!
“When referring to the earliest followers of Jesus, the Gospel writers often speak of two groups of disciples: the Twelve and the Women. The Twelve refer to the twelve Jewish men chosen by Jesus to be his closest companions and first apostles, symbolic of the twelve tribes of Israel. The Women refer to an unspecified number of female disciples who also followed Jesus, welcoming him into their homes, financing his ministry, and often teaching the Twelve through their acts of faithfulness and love. Just as Jesus predicted, most of the Twelve abandoned him at his death (John 16:32). But the women remained by his side—through his death, burial, and resurrection.” ~~ Rachel Held Evans.
Among the stories of women sprinkled throughout the pages of the Bible, it is in the radical account of the Resurrection that we see how Jesus valued women in His ultimate redemption story. And we can find some notable nuggets of biblical leadership principles for women.
1. Women who lead biblically and boldly can expect to be criticized — especially by people who misunderstand our motives and devotion. It comes with the territory. However, we cannot let the criticism of others dissuade us from doing what the Lord has impressed upon us to do in His name and for His glory. Notice the woman who anointed Jesus with precious oil, pouring out an alabaster jar, and demonstrating through this ceremonial act of worship her devotion and perhaps acknowledgement of Jesus’ coming death. Jesus says of this woman, after the others condemn this act, “Leave her alone. Why criticize her for doing such a good thing to me? I tell you the truth, wherever the Good News is preached … this woman’s deed will be remembered and discussed.” Mark 14. Jesus upheld and defended this woman and her bold act of devotion.
2. Women who lead biblically are committed to walk, stay, watch, and wait. All the gospels consistently mention specific women, and others who remain nameless, but who had been following Jesus throughout his ministry. Mary Magdalene, Mary, mother of James and Joseph, Salome, mother of James and John, (a.k.a. as “the sons of Zebedee”), and Joanna, a Jewish woman of means, are all mentioned in varying gospel accounts of women who stuck with Jesus. They had walked along with Jesus and heard His teaching, they stayed and watched as the tomb was covered. They went out after Sabbath was over and purchased burial spices so he would be properly anointed for burial. They were always thinking about how to serve this Savior — this man — who had revolutionized their lives. Their hearts never left Him and while they waited, their devotion never wavered. It is glaringly obvious that the men are not mentioned in these scenes, and we trust it is because they were afraid for their lives. Women who lead must be ready to walk, to stay, to watch, and to wait. Yes. It was Friday. Then Saturday. But SUNDAY CHANGED EVERYTHING!
3. Women who lead biblically are entrusted with proclaiming truth and the radical good news of Jesus’ victory over death to a world that desperately needs to hear it! The redeeming of Eve and her daughters has finally come. “Far from being easily deceived, women were the first to make the connection between Christ’s teachings from Scripture and his resurrection, and the first to believe these teachings when they mattered the most. That Christ ushered in this new era of life and liberation in the presence of women, and that he sent them out as the first witnesses of the complete gospel story, is perhaps the boldest, most overt affirmation of their equality in his kingdom that Jesus ever delivered.” ~~ Rachel Held Evans. The beloved disciple John records this account: “Mary!” Jesus said, “… go find my brothers and tell them … Mary Magdalene found the disciples and told them, “I Have Seen the Lord!” Then she gave them His message.” Jesus calls us by name, he gives us a task, and he charges us to complete the task.
4. Women who lead biblically and boldly stay true to God’s purpose for their part in the story. What if these women had stayed afraid? Had cowered and hid out of fear? Had kept the story to themselves? What if they hadn’t done exactly what Jesus told them to do? Funny thing is, they did exactly what Jesus told them to do, and no one believed them!! “And now, go quickly and tell his disciples that he has risen from the dead. The women ran quickly from the tomb. They were very frightened but also filled with GREAT JOY and they rushed to give the disciples the angel’s message. And AS THEY WENT, Jesus met them and greeted them. They ran to him and worshiped him. Jesus said, “GO. Tell my brothers … “ Matthew 28. Mark and Luke both give accounts of the women telling the disciples exactly what Jesus told them to, and they didn’t believe them. “But when she told the disciples Jesus was alive and she had seen him, they didn’t believe her.” “The story sounded like nonsense to the men, so they didn’t believe it.” But guess what. The women didn’t let that keep them from obeying their Savior and following through on the mission He had specifically given them to do. They did it anyway. They didn’t let it sway them from their conviction and belief.
Like Mary, Salome, Joanna, and the women who followed wholeheartedly after Christ, we can expect to encounter criticism. We must be committed to walk, to stay, to watch, and to wait. We must receive the entrusting of His message of Good News and redemption and proclaim it boldly. And we mustn’t relinquish our part in the story. Jesus calls us by name. He gives us a mission and a message. And He has charged us with completing our mission. It doesn’t matter who believes us or not — there is no place for fear — for remaining comfortable and secure in our religious havens. Yes — it really is up to us to change the world!! As did the Marys, Joanna, Salome, and all the other women who radically lived out their part in the story, let us stand beside and challenge one another dear sisters, to live as Resurrection Women!!
“Then Abraham waited patiently, and he received what God had promised. Therefore, we who have fled to Him for refuge can have great confidence as we hold to the hope that lies before us.” ~~ (Hebrews 6:15, 17)
So there has been a span of about 4 weeks since my last post, which is indicative of God saying to me once again, “wait, my child.” Wait – for His words instead of my own. If I had stayed on the blog post timeline I had laid out myself, this post would most likely have a slightly different focus. You see, in the waiting for His prompting, He has brought about the THING He has been doing when I first went to the “Place of Something Else.”
At first, we don’t really want to go to the Place of Something Else because it’s not familiar. It usually involves a lot of being alone, isolated, apart from what has been our normal routine, both relationally and spiritually. This is especially foreign to those of us who thrive on people, relationships, and leading. It is so opposite from our wiring that we find ourselves fighting it, and saying, “God, you can’t possibly be taking me here!” It can often lead us to a place of desperation, which is really not where we like to be — we in our oh-so-comfortable-church-girl-life. You see, what the Lord had to teach me had to be learned in the Place of Something Else, because the ultimate work He had for me required testing that could not be learned in the Place of Same. A gifted speaker I recently heard shared about her journey in going through a wilderness time – a time apart – and I was reminded that when the Lord takes us to these places, it’s because He wants us to go deeper with Him, and He knows we will go there. And when we go there, what deep and hidden treasure we find. What a wonderful work of refining, of preparing, of solidifying, of bringing about the Thing He has set in front of us.
The Place of Something Else also clarified and strengthened my perception of who God is to me and that He is who He says He is in my real life. He is the Guardian of my heart, the Lifter of my head, and the Keeper of His promises to me. I will be honest, during this time of being in the Place of Something Else, I felt incredibly isolated, I was hurt by friends I felt had betrayed me, I didn’t understand why these circumstances had come about, and all I knew to do was pray, cry out in desperation, soak in His word and let Him bind up my wounds. A beautiful thing that happened over the course of time, was that He brought women into my life who had been through similar circumstances, and we were able to share together what this Place of Something Else feels like, because not every one gets to go there, you see. As sort of a reminder of this treasure, I have kept a stack of writings, devotionals, sermon notes, a couple of individual bible studies I did on my own, and a copy of Streams in the Desert that truly was like a stream of life in my desert. These were the faithful promises I would read over and over, as I walked with God in this time.
When God takes us to the Place of Something Else, we must understand that the work He is doing there is on His timetable, and we learn to rest in that peace. We must learn to wait on and count on His promises. It can be 2 years, 4 years, 6 years, or 10 or 20 years. But sister, He will act on His Promises, and when He is ready, we can know that in His time, in His way, He will accomplish what He is doing. The Place of Something Else is God’s ultimate training ground for leaders who are willing to go with God on the adventure of seeing seeing our faith truly tested, fortified, and refined!
A few weeks ago, I shared the first in a series on Women’s Ministry & Leadership and what God has taught me on this journey. I left you with a scenario that looked as though it was right out of the pages of a women’s ministry handbook — but in retrospect, it was the turning point for how God began to get this “church girl’s” attention. At this point, the direction of the ministry was just wishful thinking on my part. As a “people-pleaser”, and one who wants everyone to get along, up to this point as a leader, I had a natural tendency to avoid conflict. Which is true of most people-pleasing leadership personalities. Am I right?! As a people-pleaser, what I didn’t understand at the time, was how to navigate strong personalities and an environment that cultivated open, honest communication, and healthy accountability. And I can pinpoint the “red flags” that I ignored, out of the need to feel like I was a team player, and didn’t want to come across as bossy, because Lord knows some women just don’t like to be bossed … or led. Am I speaking some truth ladies? If I had followed God’s prompting with regard to these red flags, I have no doubt that I would have avoided the relational issues that cropped up over time.
Suffice it to say, that after having led in women’s ministry for over 10 years, circumstances changed, and I found myself in a place of feeling blindsided by conflict, and the ministry undermined. One of the most difficult things I have ever done was step out of the place of leadership, as I felt the environment was not a healthy one in which to remain. The one thing I clearly remember telling my team, was that this was not my ministry — it was God’s ministry — and the future of the ministry belonged to Him.
Some practical things I wish I had understood better: Healthy relationships are vital to effective leadership. In her book “Leadership Essentials for Women”, author Linda Clark says this: “Relationship means “the ability to relate”, to have mutual exchanges. It implies giving and receiving, initiative and respectful distance, mutuality and cooperation. Relationsip has to do with “one-anothering”. Clark continues: “Relationships do not always develop in healthy and mutually satisfying directions. When pain, fear, or distrust dominate, the relationship needs to be evaluated and corrective measures implemented.” She lists some behaviors to watch for that can hinder healthy relationships of a leadership team: “unethical, illegal, manipulative, self-serving, malicious, turf-protecting, misuse of power, apathetic, retaliatory, toxic, etc.”
So, what did I discover after all this? I discovered that letting go of what has entangled us, frees us to be who God has destined us to be. To run His race. I began the journey to what I began to call “the place of something else.” I discovered God’s peace, His presence, and His protection. “All these many people who have had faith in God are around us like a cloud. Let us put every thing out of our lives that keeps us from doing what we should. Let us keep running in the race that God has planned for us. Let us keep looking to Jesus. Our faith comes from Him and He is the One Who makes it perfect.” Hebrews 12:1-2 (NLV)
15 years ago, I had just had my 3rd son, who was 7 years younger than our 2nd boy. I was hungry for fellowship with other moms, and my church didn’t have a moms group, so I started attending a moms group at Fellowship Bible in Little Rock. It just so “happened” that their leadership team still needed a few small group co-leaders and a friend with whom I had served in leadership for several years in Bible Study Fellowship recommended me to serve alongside these dear women in ministry.
It was during the 3 years I spent observing, listening, and walking alongside these wise Titus 2 women that God planted His dream in my heart and began to stir my soul to pursue this dream. My calling wasn’t my own idea – my calling came while I was walking among these women, learning what it looks like to live a Titus 2 life.
I had walked among other Titus 2 women, but these dear ladies gave me a clear example of what it can look like in a structured, God-focused, biblical environment. My calling became clearer when their women’s ministry director noticed the desire in my heart to lead women in a biblical model and spoke a word over my life, that God had a work for me to do in my own church and community, along with women who desired to live the Titus 2 pattern. I will never forget the wise teaching I received during this time, and mostly, the daily life example these seasoned, biblical women imprinted on my life.
Fast forward to 15 years later! Now – for the rest of the story … well maybe not ALL of it! Suffice it to say at this point that I spent a good 10 years leading women in my own church, transitioning and establishing a new ministry, and 5 1/2 years ago, God led me out of that role. More on that later.
I’d like to share an excerpt from the last column I wrote to the women in our church, which included the theme for that year and the heart of what we felt God wanted to see happen among His women. The theme was “Pull Up a Chair” — it was my heart then and it remains my heart today for women who love the Lord and desire to live biblically as friends, moms, wives, and leaders.
“PULL UP A CHAIR” (2009)
Many of you may remember the little song we learned in Sunday School, “Friends, friends, friends, . . . I love my friends and they love me, I help my friends and they help me . . . “ As a women’s ministry director, I have been increasingly intrigued in the past few years by the dynamics in the friendships of women. The friends who surround us not only every day, but also in times past, leave a lasting imprint in our lives, shaping and defining who we become. Having grown up with all brothers, their friends, and surrounded now by 3 sons (and their friends!) in my home, I think I appreciate even more, the good girlfriends God has brought into my life. Last week I enjoyed catching up with some dear college friends whom I hadn’t seen in years! The beauty is that our friendship has deepened and matured over time, because it was based in a common love for our Lord and His service. An interesting pastime for me is to consider and observe groups of women friendships around me, of which there are several. I have my own labels for them and a few come to mind, There’s the “fun” group, the “steady” group, the “young things”, the “50-somethings”, and a few more for which I have yet to come up with a name. The most common positive denominator I witness in these women is that they love the Lord and are there for each other. I love to hear stories from some of our “steady” group about the Baptist Women circles from years past, where women came together regularly to share life — before technology, busy-ness, and society’s demands, infiltrated and corrupted the simplicity of life.
As we begin a new year of opportunities to connect … I’d like to share the heart of our Leadership Team. I enjoy and appreciate serving with these great women, and we feel God is desperately drawing us back to relationship – to the patterns of the early church. God has led our team in a unified spirit to establish this year’s theme on the exhortation found in Acts 2:42-47, “And they were continually devoting themselves to the apostles’ teaching and to fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer.” “And day by day continuing with one mind . . . they were taking their meals together with gladness and sincerity of heart”. In a small survey taken among a few women in our church, most said they long for a small group in which they could connect and find friendship, a place to belong. Women – it’s time we all realized that none of us is perfect, we must give up our unrealistic assumptions and expectations and make time to get to know each other and grow each other. We don’t necessarily have it all together, but we know and love the One who holds it all together! And we want our lives to matter for here, for now, and for eternity – together. I invite you to the step out of your comfort zone, out of your lonely zone, seek God and some dear Christians sisters. How about we pull up a chair and sit a while?!? It’s time we got to know one another!”
I’d love to say that’s exactly what happened! But it didn’t. Next week, I’ll begin to share what God has been teaching me about women, leadership, but most importantly, what happened when I let go of my dream.
AIM: ALIGNED with God’s purpose; INTENTIONAL with my life pursuits; propelled by forward MOVEMENT.
Hello again! Took a little hiatis from blogging and ready for a new year, a new focus, and a fresh perspective on life! So I thought I’d start with sharing what’s on my heart for this year. In order to get where we want to be, we sometimes have to take a look back to see where we’ve been.
My word for the year is AIM! Been doing this word thing for a few years now, not sure when it became “the thing”. I was pondering over where I wanted to go this year, with God, with friendships, with family, with life pursuits, etc. I realized that I had spent the past year or two just sort of meandering through life as it came — which isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It’s just that I didn’t feel as though I had really been as intentional as I could be about what I’m doing, who I’m becoming, and where I’m going. As I pondered these thoughts, I was led to the word AIM. And then (because I am a true word nerd) I had to come up with an acrostic to make a real statement! So here it is …
ALIGNED with God’s purpose; INTENTIONAL with my life pursuits; propelled by forward MOVEMENT.
AIM. “I’m not saying that I have this all together, that I have it made. But I am well on my way, reaching out for Christ, who has so wondrously reached out for me. Friends, don’t get me wrong: By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this, but I’ve got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward—to Jesus. I’m off and running, and I’m not turning back. …” (Phil. 3:13-16, MSG)
I’ve got my eye on the goal and God is beckoning me onward. As women, I want us to spur each other on toward the things that He wants us to be about. I hope you’ll join me every week. Ready — Aim — Fire!
“Every woman needs a tribe. Force yourself to pick a few good women who will go the distance with you. Hang on to those you select for your tribe because you will need them as you age. And they will need you. Friends who love us know that motherhood is about transitioning, and adjusting constantly to the demands life brings.”
~~ Meg Meeker, M.D., “The 10 Habits of Happy Mothers”
As we wrap up our series of The MomTrek, the last point I want to cover in our journey as mothers, is the area of cultivating key friendships. One of the most rewarding parts of my own personal MomTrek has been the mothering journey I’ve shared with my “tribe” along the way. The quote above from Meg Meeker says it well — we need a tribe — a few good women who will go the distance with us.
Friendship has gotten harder – for all mothers. In their insightful book, “Grown Up Girlfriends”, Erin Smalley and Carrie Oliver discuss the rewarding and the challenging aspects of friendships: “Friendship is a means God uses to fulfill His good purposes in our lives … both through the heartwarming and the heartbreaking experiences. He uses these relationships to provide support in times of need and to bring us to our knees so we can better see our need for Him.” “We believe that, for most women, four factors are the principal barriers to building new friendships: life transitions, personality issues, personal comfort zones, and busyness. Building relationships takes time and a willingness to risk.”
So what are the real hindrances to cultivating meaningful and healthy friendships? We labor intensely, the pace of life, the ages of our kids and the demands of everyday life. And the first thing that usually gets delayed and put off is our friendships with women, thinking we will catch up later. But life gets even more demanding. Things need our constant attention. And all along, we ignore the deep fact that God designed us for relationship. And Mothers are, by our very nature, relational creatures. We thrive on loving and being loved, talking and listening, seeing and interacting. We need each other: to share our fearful questions, to bare our anxious thoughts, to bind our wounded hearts, to vent our frustration and maybe even anger, to lift each other up in prayer, to encourage with a needed word of scripture, to smile and especially to laugh! Friends help us get a fresh perspective, challenge us to stay on the path, and navigate safely, onward and upward together!
I’ve had the incredible joy of having some lifelong friends, who have displayed these qualities and have remained constant as our children have grown up together. These women have challenged me, held the standard high with me, and we have endured times of much laughter and some difficult life events as well. Our children are grown and we are now enjoying the seasons and blessings of our kids marrying and starting families of their own — what a joy! I have other groups of friends who are constant as well, though not as close as this group, yet still walk alongside me as we’ve raised our children together. And few and far between, I’ve had mom friends who sadly, did not turn out to be the friends I thought they were, but these are the lessons of life. Disappointing and unhealthy friendships teach us to be oh so much more grateful for the loyal, lasting, life friends who love us for who we are and challenge us to be better and stronger as moms and women.
So what can we take away from this last point on cultivating key friendship?
*Our friends and the friendships of our children are one of the key determining factors to the success of our MomTrek. Choose them wisely.
*Invest in healthy, God-honoring friendships.
*Determine to work at maintaining consistent friendships, no matter how hectic life gets.
*Be a good friend. Listen, laugh, cry, have fun, and by all means – take food!!
So as we close out this last point on friendship, let’s resolve to base our actions and attitudes, not on fear and insecurity, but instead on truth and a healthy perspective of our identity in Christ. Let’s let go of being driven by what the world tells us, stop comparing, speak truth, and stand together as moms who want to take our kids to the heights of God’s very best! Let’s be moms who hold each other accountable – who have the courage to hold to a higher standard and hold our kids to that standard.
Our children need to see that God is the center of our world and that our lives revolve around Him – not them. That no matter how off course we may get, He is always our True North. Let’s get our bearings, regain our footing, and take hold of our higher calling and spur each other on all along the way!
“As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend.” (Proverbs 27:17)
“This is the frenetic mother culture in which you and I live. The voice tells us that we must do something – improve our kids, don’t let them miss out. Make them more, get them more, and watch them more. Every day, do something to improve something about them and us because … that’s what we’re supposed to do. We want to stop competing, but we don’t know how and we are scared to be the first.” ~~ “10 Habits of Happy Mothers” by Meg Meeker, M.D.
One of the most rewarding parts of my own personal MomTrek has been the mothering journey I’ve shared with my “tribe” along the way. In her book, “10 Habits of Happy Mothers”, Meg Meeker says this: “Every woman needs a tribe. Force yourself to pick a few good women who will go the distance with you. Hang on to those you select for your tribe because you will need them as you age. And they will need you. Friends who love us know that motherhood is about transitioning, and adjusting constantly to the demands life brings.” I want to spend more time in this area, because ladies, this is where I feel strongly that God has led me to speak out about some things we CAN do better.
*Stop playing the comparison/competing game.
*Cultivate key friendships
Because there’s so much about this aspect of raising our kids that is key to our mothering journey, I will break down these last 2 points into 2 separate posts. So let’s talk about the first point: the playing of the comparison/competing game. I want to touch on a subject that has greatly troubled me over the past few years. There’s a span of 7 years between my middle and youngest, now 14. As I was raising my 2 older sons, now 21 and 22, I didn’t notice during those years the rampant sense of competing and comparing that seems to be prevalent in today’s mom culture, as I’m raising my 14 year old. In the parenting journey, we need to let go of comparing our mothering to our friends’ mothering and understand that it’s not gonna look the same. For various reasons. We all have strengths and weaknesses, our children are wired differently, and their temperaments are different. And if we force them to live up to this expectation that we have in our mind, this expectation, this perfect picture, we’re going to miss out on the best part of parenting, which is what happens as we’re going. The scenery along the way. So we’ve got to let go of those expectations.
“This is the frenetic mother culture in which you and I live. The voice tells us that we must do something. Improve our kids, don’t let them miss out. Make them more, get them more, and watch them more. Do something every day to improve something about them and us because – that’s what we’re supposed to do. We want to stop competing, but we don’t know how and we are scared to be the first. Because in our hearts, we long to just simply … be.”
Moms – what happened? I think it’s very simple. We forgot our objective. We took our eyes off the mountain. Instead of being led by truth, and confident in God’s provision, we have become driven by fear and self-focus. We got distracted by the frantic pace of life, by the constant bombardment of media telling us we aren’t doing it right, we don’t look right,our kids aren’t good enough, and we are failures. Oh mamas, this is one BIG LIE! When we allow the root of this lie to spread, it affects our confidence and life direction. It manifests itself most directly in our relationships with each other as women.
Being competitive professionally and athletically, and in other arenas can be a good thing. But when it comes to being competitive in relationships as mother, we always lose. Always.
So what do we do?
Recognize that we all do it. Examine your feelings about your friends. Markers that indicate unhealthy attitudes include: criticism, envy, jealousy, discontent, comparison. Meg Meeker touches on several key aspects of how we can achieve healthy relationships with other mothers and overcome these insecurities. I highly recommend her book, “10 Habits of Happy Mothers”. Here’s a few highlights from her book:
“Jealousy is an enormously corrosive feeling. It makes us feel bad about ourselves. But when we acknowledge our jealousy and admit it to ourselves and maybe a close friend, we diffuse the power that it has.
*Turns us against ourselves. Usually when we are jealous and want something that we don’t have, it’s because we are imagining what life would be like if we had the thing, but that vision isn’t necessarily the truth. So in a real sense, the jealousy remains a mind-set.
*Inhibits good relationships. It’s obvious that when we are competitive with another, we have less than wonderful feelings toward her. We feel inadequate and we perceive her as more adequate. When we compete with other mothers, we pit ourselves against them, and we grieve their successes. We can even be jealous of women who are just too nice. How in the world can we enjoy a healthy relationship with other women when we have these unhealthy thoughts and feelings floating around inside? Competition stunts the growth of any healthy relationship. It is a powerful force and has the power to destroy.”
I recently watched a National Geographic documentary about a team that was climbing the K2 Summit – the world’ 2nd tallest mountain. The team anchors a rope in the ice, and all team members ascend in single file with the rope as the guide. The team was facing a short window of time, and so one team member began to pass his team members in an effort to make it to the top ahead of them. Tragically, he fell to his death, and others died as well as a result. This is my point: If we’re constantly trying to beat each other up the mountain, we’re not gonna get there together. We need to help each other, come alongside one another, and understand that we have different things to offer in the mix. Instead of trying to compete with one another, we need to help one another. Stay tethered together.
So what can we do? Here’s a few more thoughts from Meg Meeker:
*”Recognize jealousy and don’t be fooled. Recognize symptoms and what is at the root of negative feelings. Only when we see this dynamic can we begin to stop it.
*Head competition off at the pass. Once we recognized the initial twinges of jealousy, we must act. This is war because competition with other mothers serves only one purpose: to take us down. Don’t just recognize but act. Get specific and stand against it.
*Give frequent verbal applause. One of the best ways to ward off jealousy is to speak well of the woman about whom we feel jealous. Give each other a boost!
*Focus on fullness, not emptiness. Once we feel we are lacking, we begin to dislike who we are, which leaves us more needy and wanting, and therein lies the trap. Happy people are fun to be around — why? Because they focus more on what’s positive in life rather than on what’s negative. We all choose what thoughts fill the spaces in our minds. Choose to be positive!
*Be deliberate in kindness. Reach out to help another mother, offer encouragement and a kind word. Don’t withhold gracious and genuine words of greeting or affirmation among the circle of moms you run in. Be who Jesus calls us to be with each other.
“Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together … but encouraging one another – and all the more as you see the Day approaching” ~~ (Hebrews 10:23-25)
Moms it’s time for us to all join hands and jump off this destructive comparison train together! It will take choosing to confront this issue with each other, deciding to take the hard road, and abandon it altogether. We must choose to confront it and rise above it every day. God has gifted each of us with everything we need to be the moms and women He has designed us to be — let’s choose to TRUST Him to empower us to raise the children He gave us for His purposes — not our own! Next week, we’ll take a look at how to cultivate healthy friendships.
“One of the first roadblocks for many of us is simply a pace of life that keeps us running so fast, we never purposefully think about the big picture — much less take pro-active steps to course-correct. ”
Much of our MomTrek involves the skill of navigating. And if we’re not careful, we can find ourselves way off course, facing obstacles we never anticipated, and lacking the strength to endure. As our son was preparing to be a guide in the beautiful mountains of Colorado, he went through an intensive 6 week training period, some of which he spent days and nights in the mountains by himself. Had he not been adequately prepared, he could have panicked, gotten lost, or hurt.
As a river guide, he also was trained to navigate the huge boulders and the strong current of the fast flowing Arkansas River. Later that summer, as our family rafted down that river together, I was grateful he had spent the necessary time preparing, and kept us from flipping and being thrown over. Being a mom is much like navigating a river, or climbing a mountain. There will be unexpected obstacles, currents that can sweep us away, and steep rock faces that seem insurmountable. Hard things like a child who has serious health issues, a behavior disorder, is rebellious and challenges our authority, doesn’t seem to fit in, or symptoms of depression or anger, the list could go on. As moms, we need to anticipate obstacles, prepare for how we will deal with them,and develop the endurance and strength it takes to keep paddling – to keep climbing. Even when we can’t see – when we feel like giving up.
We can have the map, but maybe we need to put our compass to use. What are some of the things that can get us off course? Not knowing where we’re going, the hectic pace of life, taking wrong turns, becoming disoriented, pride, shallowness, being carried along with the current. In “The Life Ready Woman”, Shaunti Feldhan says “One of the first roadblocks for many of us is simply a pace of life that keeps us running so fast, we never purposefully think about the big picture — much less take pro-active steps to course-correct.” You know I can just hear the navigation systems in our cars when we veer a different way, “RECALCULATING!” Compass-guided womanhood means managing ourselves by bold faith in God and His Word. This kind of living is important in every area of life.
“All too often, the reason we are overwhelmed or unclear is that we are trying to live in a way that is completely contrary to what God has planned for our lives. We are carrying a yoke, but not the one God designed for our direction and protection as we walk through life with Him.” (The Life Ready Woman) God’s word and His Holy Spirit as our compass will guide us to God’s best in our lives.
I think of the story of Abraham and Isaac in Genesis. Abraham was not a mom, but he was a parent. A parent who had been charged with surrendering his son on an altar. I can’t imagine how he must have felt. Yet we see that Abraham demonstrated complete obedience and faith. As he went up that mountain, he was in a place of complete surrender. His devotion to His God had determined his ability to believe and act in obedience. Abraham and God had a history together. When we have a history with God, we are able to make decisions regarding our children. When we attach ourselves to God, anchored by His rope, we can securely and bravely raise our kids to live the same faith. We can overcome and endure, because we believe that the God who created our children is faithful to love them better than we can. Because He loves them best. We can leave them in His mighty hands. And we can find strength, hope, endurance, and joy along the way! So let’s review our skills:
*Be familiar with the map – recognize the markings, and follow the course.
*Anticipate hidden obstacles-not with an anxious worry, but with a calm confidence.
*Develop endurance to keep paddling – keep climbing.
*Stay tethered to God, who is faithful to love our children better than we can!
“The Sovereign Lord is my strength! He makes me as surefooted as a deer, able to tread upon the heights.” Habakkuk 3:19
God’s word is like our MomTrek backpack. In His word, we find everything we need. It holds light and truth, sustains and nourishes, provides shelter, and reveals direction for life.
If you or your child have ever participated in outdoor adventure activity or camp, you know there is a list of necessary equipment. This equipment is vital for you to have a successful and enjoyable adventure. Let’s look at some of these items and apply them to our MomTrek. Typically this equipment would include: a sturdy backpack, food, lantern, compass, water, shelter, camping supplies, etc. Where do we get these supplies? We can’t just manufacture them ourselves, or draw from our own well of strength and resolve. We need Jesus.
“Jesus answered her, “If you knew the gift of God and who it is that asks you for a drink, you would have asked him and he would have given you living water.” (John 4:10)
I like to think of the backpack, which holds everything for our journey, as being God’s Word. In His word, we find everything we need. It holds light and truth, sustains and nourishes, provides shelter, and reveals direction for life. Truth is like our map as we navigate life. Basing our decisions on the strong foundation of God’s word helps us establish firm footing as we make our way. His light illumines our way and dispels the darkness that surrounds us. It is our food and water, as we so desperately need to be nourished and refreshed with daily scripture and prayer. When we take shelter in God’s truth, we find provision and protection. And when we seek God’s ways as our true north, He gives us guidance through our own personal compass – the Holy Spirit – who reveals direction for our lives and the lives of our children.
“Your word is a lamp to guide my feet and a light for my path.” Psalm 119:105
And of course, we can’t get very far if we aren’t wearing the hiking shoes of faith and hope! It’s great to have all the right equipment, to know in our minds where we’re trying to go. But to actually step out, take hold, and go up takes having faith and placing our hope in what we have yet to actually see. And it means letting go and reaching forward.
So let’s review our supply list:
*Backpack of God’s Word, which holds everything we need.
*Map of His truth as we navigate life.
*Light is like the flashlight that dispels darkness.
*Tent of His word is our shelter that protects.
*The compass of His Holy Spirit, that gives us direction and guidance.
*Food and water of daily scripture and prayer refreshes us along the way.
*The rope that secures us and our children in His mighty hand.
*The hiking shoes of faith and hope help us step out and take hold of His promises.
And what does God promise us?
“Those who live in the shelter of the Most High will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty. He alone is my refuge, my place of safety. He will protect you, cover you, and shelter you with His wings.” (Psalm 91:1-6)